Stuff I think about...

ShabbyBlogs.com

2011-02-17T18:24:00.000-08:00

They have a lot of great stuff there!

Trying to give Facebook friends a break so I'm posting these here

2010-12-13T12:32:00.000-08:00

Quotes I've read recently:

Straight Americans need... an education of the heart and soul. They must understand - to begin with - how it can feel to spend years denying your own deepest truths, to sit silently through classes, meals, and church services while people you love toss off remarks that brutalize your soul. ~Bruce Bawer, The Advocate, 28 April 1998

Quotes

2010-12-13T01:52:00.000-08:00

"You live like this, sheltered, in a delicate world, and you believe you are living. Then you read a book… or you take a trip… and you discover that you are not living, that you are hibernating. The symptoms of hibernating are easily detectable: first, restlessness. The second symptom (when hibernating becomes dangerous and might degenerate into death): absence of pleasure. That is all. It appears like an innocuous illness. Monotony, boredom, death. Millions live like this (or die like this) without knowing it. They work in offices. They drive a car. They picnic with their families. They raise children. And then some shock treatment takes place, a person, a book, a song, and it awakens them and saves them from death. Some never awaken."
— Anaïs Nin

My Visual DNA

2010-10-28T19:55:00.001-07:00

Biden Murray rally Tacoma Washington!!!

2010-10-08T10:55:00.001-07:00

Uploaded by www.cellspin.net

I need to stop forgetting about my blog! and some great news!

2010-09-29T17:51:00.000-07:00

Ok great to me anyway! My website: http://www.skyoly.com/ IS UP AND RUNNING! I'm not done with it AT ALL but it's getting there!!! Check it out!

2010-08-29T20:44:00.001-07:00

Standing in a sea of 18,000 ish people is a crazy thing!!!! Go Godsmack!!!! Rockfest!!!!

DB POS

2010-07-13T18:59:00.000-07:00

why does one of my fave songs have to be sung by a DB POS who beat the crap out of his (now ex) girlfriend? Remind me why he's NOT in jail? Now when I hear the song I'm torn cause I LOVE it but I think he deserves to be beaten and thrown in a hole to rot...stupid MF! argh!

(DB= douchebag. POS= piece of shit)

The Queen's Defenders. Don't mess with the queen!

2010-06-28T12:33:00.001-07:00

Uploaded by www.cellspin.net

wow... overdue for an update...

2010-06-25T16:10:00.000-07:00

i'll do it later though .. have a great day!
meanwhile read someone much more interesting than I

http://thebloggess.com/

she's HILARIOUS

this just happened...

2010-05-09T14:07:00.000-07:00

Me: Are there NO clean pots???

Me2: No... they are all dirty...

Me: Damn Woman do some dishes!

Me2: No! I don't want to do dishes!!! I hate doing dishes!

Me: ... obviously....

Me2: I think I'll hire someone just to come clean the dishes...

Me: You're pathetic.

Me2: Probably. or just crazy... I mean I'm actually having a conversation with myself.

Me: ya....

lets see how many 'friends' i lose right now lol!

2010-04-21T22:16:00.000-07:00

I'm frustrated and seriously exhausted so as usual this is FULL of spelling errors and grammer errors and alll sorts of errors... i doubt it will even make sense but venting helps me release stress and tension... so i'm letting loose

reason #1(of a looong list) i'm sick of christians.

to those of you who have fanned the page

"DEAR LORD, THIS YEAR YOU TOOK MY FAVORITE ACTOR, PATRICK SWAYZIE. YOU TOOK MY FAVORITE ACTRESS, FARAH FAWCETT. YOU TOOK MY FAVORITE SINGER, MICHAEL JACKSON. I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW, MY FAVORITE PRESIDENT IS BARACK OBAMA. AMEN."

?????HAVE YOU READ THE WALL POSTS FROM YOUR FELLOW FANS??????

Some of you are pretty conservative christians... you really want your name on that nasty wall? come on!

Wishing the death of someone who simply has a diff POV ...and let me spell that out: point of view... is VERY Jesus like... ( to be read with tons of sarcasm)

even if you're not religious it's a pretty awful thing to wish for don't ya think?

is he the best president to ever walk the earth? NO! is he making mistakes? YES! Just like EVERY OTHER WORLD LEADER IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD to include you precious pres. Bush who was a moron! However I never wished the man dead. not once! It never ceases to amaze me how MEAN conservatives can get specially when you consider who the conservative party are primarily comprised of. CHRISTIANS you know the ones who supposedly believe what Jesus taught and is walking around with Jesus in their hearts?!??!?!??!?!?! Would Jesus join this group? I seriously doubt it! He would be helping the situation through respectful education. He would be WORKING to get things changed not just screaming profanities and acting like school bullies on the playground! GROW UP!

NO I really doesn't think the group is funny. I think it's sad. Make fun of him, sure! I do. I laugh when people like Jon Stewart does... I think it's hilarious. But can we leave out the death threats and the mindless screeching about subject matters you don't have any knowledge of?

ugh...

Perspective

2010-04-20T11:18:00.001-07:00

I am motivated by stress. Ritalin takes away the stress. Ergo I'm not motivated. THANK YOU therapist. I understand now. Find another motivator.

Gonna ask for a booster for nights.

All is gonna be fine!

wow...

2010-04-20T08:49:00.000-07:00

i'm a little mortified of my last post. talk about meltdown. i'm MUCH better today. must must must get to bed before i hit that phase! holy moses!
sorry for the CRAZY lack of a filter between brain and .... fingers? lol! i would normally say brain and mouth but well...

anyhoo.. much better happier place this morning and i don't take my meds till 10am lol!

goodness.

this is my brain not on drugs

2010-04-19T22:50:00.000-07:00

how can i tell it wore off?

i'm a nervous worrying wreck.

there are 50 subjects all running through my head along with a song stuck in my head. just shut the hell up.

why can't they have a 24 hour dose of ritalin?

i need to be in bed asleep before this shit wears off.

mornings between 7 and 10 (between waking up and when i take my meds) i'm fine. i can handle life. yes, we're late to school almost everyday and yes i get impatient and cranky... but it works ok. i guess. idk if that description defines success but ... idk.

maybe working my grounding and centering back into practice can help me when the meds wear off... i'm thinking that's the key to my sanity....

speaking of that... which reminds me of where I learned those techniques... i neeeeed to get my spriritual beliefs figured out so I know what t to say to my kids. i just don't know anymore. none of it makes a damn bit of sense. i'm so fucking sick of christians. i can't clump myself in with them. i just cannot do it. some people call themselves "followers of the teachings of jesus christ" which is too effing long but sounds a hundred trillion times better... if i even believe in that whole gig anymore, which i don't think i do but idk idk idk.. seems to be my mantra tonight: IDK I DON'T FUCKING KNOW.

the anxious shaking ,I have always gotten when i stress or think tooooo intensly about something, is back... god why did i go on meds, now i can't handle being off of them. all this shit was part of my daily life for 32 years and after 5 days of vacation from "me" i can't handle being 'me' anymore. this sucks ass. i need to go to bed but with all the head chatter and that stupid song running in my head over and over and over i can't even think of trying to lay down.

but i'm gonna force the issue

good night.
i hope.

"baby are you down down down down down"

2010-04-19T22:04:00.000-07:00

yes but not in the way the song implies.. i'm assuming.. idk.

i'm irritated that i have to journal tonight. i don't wanna do it. i don't wanna do anything. nothing. can't i just have a few weeks of blissful relaxation? wait.. who is this talking? i never want that! i always neeeeeed a milliong things to do. now that i'm on meds i can't handle it all. how effing messed up is that.

it gives me calm and quiet and control...mostly.

takes away motivation...or drive... or something... idk. idk. idk. idk. idk.

i'm not in a happy place.

i'm super stressed about school. i'm super behind and yet i can't work up the motivation to just fucking do it!

i'm thinking of skipping a dose tomorrow to see what happens.

good thing i have a therapy session tomorrow.

that's all i wanna write. i'm going to bed.

ok so day 4 is it today? i think...? not great.

2010-04-18T15:01:00.000-07:00

I'm all messed up today!

What has been so nice about being on the meds is the lack of all the songs I get stuck in my head over and over allllll effing day! No constant repetitive soundtrack running all day everyday..

not so much today. today i have songs running through my head. i can't stay focused and i'm starving starving starving. i feel like my blood sugar is low or something...

so today not great. boo

hmm... day like 3/4 idk... lol

2010-04-18T09:01:00.000-07:00

so... i'm still lovin my drugs... i am. it's helping in so many ways but one... does not motivate me to get homework done.. lol! come on, that's the main reason i'm takin this shit... to help me with school lol!

no... motivation is all on me... i know this.

other than that all is fine in the world of Ritalin LA...

ok if there are any guys reading this dont read this part...
i started a whole like... 5-6 days early and it's pretty heavy, not painful but i wonder if that's a bad thing or just my body freaking out about being on meds? i barely take tylenol unless my headache won't go away on it's own... so jumping from almost zero meds of any kind to Ritalin... idk...

This part is ok guys lol
calm and quiet is still how i would describe this. my Starbucks fixation is gone. Sometimes I want one cause it tastes good but it's not a OMG I NEED IT NOW thing. I can say no.

I went to a jewelry party at my sis's house yesterday and normally I would walk out of there with a ton of stuff but not this time... i bought 1 thing. I was able to tell myself no. some alien force isn't in control of my brain anymore, i am. that's a nice feeling. being able to tell myself no is a good feeling! being in control is a good thing.

pretty much just repeat what's been said the last few days. so far so good on the meds.

part 2.

why can't i get motivated for school? i think it's burn out. i think i'm finally at a point where i am just DONE but the problem is... i'm not done. i need to force myself to do this stuff and i thought the meds was supposed to help with that lol.. not so much it seems. i'm kinda bummed, but should it really be that easy? take this pill and poof all my problems are solved? no. but it would have been nice lol!

sigh.

my moods are good and level... no major pms symptoms this month either, which is nice.

ok that's all i got.

Day 2 and part of day 3: I LOVE RITALIN LA!

2010-04-16T14:07:00.000-07:00

Just call me their new spokesperson! Do you hear that? It's quiet... and calm.... in my brain... is this how normal people are? Lucky bums!

One book described having ADHD and not being medicated as being in a store like Best Buy. Standing in the middle of the TV section with all the tv's blaring different stations. And you can't decide which is the important one to watch and while trying to watch one you're constantly being drawn to 8 or 20 others and OMG the noise! I so related to that description! I was sitting in a waiting room while reading it and I shouted "yes!" lol! The looks I got... goodness.. anyway. Yesterday... day 1 on the meds. It was like someone went and hit mute on all of the tv's and handed me a giant remote. There are still a hundred tv's on but I can now hit un-mute on any 1 TV I want and switch to different tv's at will.

It's so quiet.

I think the meds waxes and wanes cause at times I feel like a few tv's got un muted somehow but for the most part it's controlled by me now.

The burning NEEEEED to check things like Facebook and such every 5 minutes was muted. Still there but I could say no and not be stressed over it.

I played with my kids at the playground and had fun and didn't check my phone once. I wasn't bored. I didn't get bored pushing Oly in the swing for ever and a day.

I stayed in the kitchen and just waited for things to get done cooking... I didn't leave it sitting there on it's own while I went and checked facebook.

I stood and just watched the kids play at the playground and didn't check my phone ...

I can sustain an activity for longer periods of time without going "Damnit I don't want to do this!" My kitchen is pretty clean. I cleaned up allll the messes after my get-together today. Usually I only half ass do it then finish up the rest a day or 2 later when I get tired of looking at it.

I can't sit all day and get lost in the computer. My brain now reminds me that I have stuff to do.

Some deeply embeded habits are still hard but for the most part. I'm good. I'm calm. I'm normal... well... maybe not NORMAL but definitely not the flakey forgetful crazy girl I was before.

Concerns I do have:
1. OMG the crash that occurs when it wears off. It's like I'm just walking along doing my thing then BAM I run full speed into a brick wall and I'm dead from the neck down. I could barely move at 10pm last night. Didn't help that I ate crap for food and got one of my tummy aches (dumb me) but still. I'm concerned about that, but my plan is to be ready for bed by the time I know it will wear off. About 12-13 hours after taking the pill. So today I didn't take it till 10am so I wouldn't crash on my drive down to Portland...literally lol!

2. I love the calm and in control feeling this drug provides me. I have impulse control now. I can say no to things I don't need. I like that feeling. When this wears off I don't want to wait till the next day I want another pill THEN! lol! I'm worried about addiciton. I was warned about people who take it who are not ADHD who will get the "speed" effect of speed will get addicted, but since it calms me down there is no doubt of the ADHD diagnosis but I knew last night that it had wore off and I wanted to buy a ton of things on Amazon, go get cold stone and starbucks and I got grumpy with the kids. I don't like that. I like the drugged me. So I'm worried about addiction.

3. The slight roller coaster effect. Like I said, it seems to wax and wane. Imagine a crystal clear lake that perfectly reflects the trees and sky around it. That is me most of the day on ritalin but several times a day it feels like a slight breeze blows through and roughs up the water a bit before it dies down and the water goes still again. Again...like someone went and unmuted several of the TV's...

HOWEVER day 2 is so far a lot less rollercoastery... is that a word... so here's hopin...

gotta run

first pill down...

2010-04-15T09:04:00.000-07:00

I almost forgot to take it lol! Avoiding much????? lol!

It's been like oh 20 min... we'll seeeeeeeeee gahhhhhh!!!

yes, I am over dramatizing this i know... shut up. lol ;)

Day 1 on a new journey

2010-04-14T23:21:00.000-07:00

So day 1 was today. I'm totally over reacting! This is NOT a big deal, but whatever...

Coming to the realization that I allowed people in the mental health profession put me on drugs for a ... condition?... I always thought was only for young boys of lazy parents who didn't want to feed their kids good food and get them out to play and expend some energy. Over the last few months I've come to the realization that I need to research something before I make opinions about it... we all live and learn.

I need to own this. Make it real. I've tried to a few times, but I'm rediculously fearful of the reaction of others. Which is odd considering how much I DO NOT CARE about other's reactions normally. Normally I say: don't like what I say, do... etc... you know where the "door" is but for some reason, probably my own thoughts being projected outwards, this time I'm a little leary of sharing.

Whatever. Like I said... just because you THINK you know something doesn't mean you do so ask questions do some research before you make any opinions. Trust me you save face in the long run lol

Anyway.. 3 different mental health people have labeled me ADHD and finally today they urged me to do meds for it as it will greatly help the behavioral therapy that will teach my brain to make the nuro... connections... that most people are born with. Basically we're gonna fill in the blanks! I have a lot of them it seems lol!

What happns in laymans terms... practically caveman terms as explained to me by the latest shrink:
The front part of your brain controls things like: organization, planning, focus, remembering stuff like apppointments etc, putting priorities in check, decyphering info and telling the other parts of the brain how to react etc.... that part of my brain is taking a nap. Chillin, eatin bon bons, smokin a doobie... whatever... so drugs like caffeine or ritalin, concerta, aderol... (sp?????) which are all just refined speed (except the caffiene. that's just caffeine) wake that part of the brain up and gets it working again. If someone who does not have ADHD takes these drugs they'll be like a normal person on speed. crazy hyper and GO GO GO GO GO AHHHH!!!!! If someone WITH ADHD takes them they calm down. They're able to sit and focus. They can prioritize their life: no this is NOT facebook time, no this is not veg out and read the same book 8 times time, no this is not sit and day dream while picking your nose time, this is GET YOUR HOMEWORK DONE time...etc.. you get the picture. They remember appointments like hey it's 230 go pick your kid up from school. They don't get distracted on the way to someones house and end up shopping at the mall totally forgeting they were on their way to someones house! They remember events. They don't space on commitments!!! They remember to pay bills on time. They are able to sit and study and get their homework done without it feeling like a torture session! They are able to level their moods and react correctly to various stimulous. Everything is NOT an OMG moment and other moments that ARE OMG moments are not to be dismissed. When kids take too long to get their shoes on it's ok it's not a reason to get upset... usually. When standing in a long line with nothing to do you're NOT gonna literally die of boredom. It's ok to have free time with nothing to do. Facebook will still be there tomorrow. You don't have to check it every 5 minutes!

Oh I could go on and on and on.

I'm nervous about being on any drug let alone SPEED! Wow, so I'm freaking out a bit. I'm happy, I'm not in a negative place, just a bit nervous of the unknown. I'm afraid this stuff will alter my personality. I'm relying on my friends to pay attention and to let me know if they are concerned.

I meet with my councelor next week and the prescribing physician in 2 weeks. I have to keep a journal... hence this message... and see how it goes.

To those who I've judged unfairly about ADHD diagnosis. I'm sorry! This is me with my tail between my legs and me eating my words. Lesson learned.

HOWEVER I still think it's over diagnosed and sometimes my original thoughts on kids labeled ADHD are correct! All 3 phychologist said the same! Cut the toxic food and get those kids outside to run off some steam!

Ok off my soap box.

Day 2 is tomorrow. First day on the drugs. I'm on Ritalin LA.

I'm a 32 yo woman on Ritalin.

...sigh...

I have done some more photoshoots! yay!

2010-04-09T20:51:00.000-07:00

Here is one: http://portraitsbyjenryan.shutterfly.com/orion

Here is another: http://portraitsbyjenryan.shutterfly.com/victoria

Here are my fave shots of both:

and

The Woman Photographer Group on Redbubble! =)

2010-03-23T12:16:00.001-07:00

2010-03-20T11:11:00.001-07:00

Wants to send a giant THANK YOU!!! To the person who found my wallet and turned it in w/o stealing anything! You rock!!

How much longer is this Facebook Fast? ugh!

2010-03-19T02:39:00.000-07:00

I am just now starting to realize how much I relied on Facebook to get news and just... any info about my family, out to friends and family!

I have over 10,000 rollover minutes on my account! 10,000!!! I don't do well on the phone, my kids go crazy the moment they sense me on the phone. They could be in their own room playing and totally intent on what they are doing, but the MOMENT I pick up the phone and start dialing (silently) it's like their radar picks it up and out they come screaming at each other or just running around throwing things, getting into things, asking me a hundred million questions, hitting each other or pummeling the dog. I end up spending more time getting them to behave than actually talking.

The other issue is that a lot of the time the main people I call just don't listen so I try hard not to talk for very long or very fast (both are problems of mine) and then it ends up being silence... or I'll realize these people I'm talking to weren't even listening so I might as well have not even been talking which is really annoying because I hate talking on the phone anyway.

Anyway, I need to work on calling SOME people more often, but some of those 'some' need to pay attention to the conversation, talk more, or call me back when you can attend better. I don't call people to hear myself talk, although I can and will drone on and on and on if ya let me (take this blog entry for example), but ask yourself: "when there have been pauses in the conversation... did I try to fill it with anything?" If not, well, what else am I supposed to do but fill it? If we were in person I don't mind silence, I'm ok with that. On the phone, you talk or get off. I'm not ok with silence on the phone. Realizing I was just talking to myself for no reason kinda hurts my feelings so... just keep that in mind.

Oh and I got a new phone... it rings... most of the time. I'm sure your phone dials out... just sayin.... ;) lol! One sided responsibility isn't really fair. You CAN call me too you know ;)

Ok when I "signed up" for this Lent business (even though it's not even MY holiday) I agreed to the 28th of March... THAT'S IT HONEY! I'm NOT going to no 3rd of April, although now that I see the date it does actually make sense.. April 3rd being Easter.. wait isn't Easter the 4th. WTH?
whatever MARCH 28TH PEOPLE! That's 40 days from Feb 17th! I'm done at 40 days! I'm clearly confused...

what have I been doing? 2 words: twit-ter! lol! sad but true. and now Metallica's song of the same name is playing in my head, mixing with Catch Me if You Can by Theory of a Deadman. I just bought their (TOADM) CD on iTunes... they rock!! "Spaceship" is my fave! Scroll down my blog you'll find the lyrics ;)

I've also been trying to revive this moms group I stupidly took over when the last organizer jumped ship. Honestly I don't blame her. I had a list several pages long of people who wanted to stay but none of them are talking on the message board, showing up to playdates, suggestiong or hosting playdates... I've all but given up all of my other groups just to devote to this one and I get NOTHING in return. Fun shit... not really.

I've been going to the gym a lot! I'm officially down 20 lbs from my heaviest and 18 lbs from Dec 1st! I'm back down to the size I was when Tass came home from Iraq for R&R in 2007! I had put on 20 lbs after that. Took a while and most of it was winter of '09 when I sat on my ass and did homework all day and read Twilight and other books OVER AND OVER AND OVER (repeat a total of 8 times for the Twlight series) all night. I didn't do much back then but read read read! See I blame Stephanie Meyers for my weight gain and almost complete withdrawl from life cause she wrote a book and put crack in the pages so that everytime I opened it and turned a page I got another hit and got further and further addicted... there is no other explanation... the fact that I am a bit OCD with some stuff has NOTHING to do with it at all.. nothing I say!

I'm not getting any further with my therapist for the whole ADD/OCD business. I need to find another one i think. I really want to learn to tame them. (not Jack Nicholson in As Good As It Gets OCD mind you... my hand washing is: checking facebook or twitter a hundred million times a day, checking door locks a dozen times before bed, reading books obsessively (twilight saga 8 times in 6 months) stuff like that, I don't wash my hands repeatedly or not step on cracks or count stairs.. although I did do the crack avoiding and the stair counting as a kid, but when I realized people thought I was crazy I forced myself to stop lol...sigh...) anyway learning how to get control over myself a bit more would be awesome! I am open to drugs now and I wasn't before, but until we can figure out WTF is wrong with my STUPID EFFING stomach, drugs are OUT and the homeopathic hippy in me doens't REALLY want the drugs. I guess I'm opting for the easy out since nothing else in my life is easy... idk. well.. I shouldn't say that... other people have life waaaaaaaaaaaaay worse off than I...

I should probably make more Dr's apts though... I just... haven't. My HIDA scan for my gall bladder came back normal. My upper endoscopy came back fine. My bloodwork all comes back fine. WTH else is there? Sooo frustrating! Also my heavily restricted diet is helping with the wieght loss so that's a good silver lining... sigh... I am going to go see a Naturalpathic dr when we get our taxes back though. I think I am done with western meds. I know of other people who pay for a naturalpath themselves... I think we might just go that route too... makes more sense to me to see them anyway... already found a lady too so it will all work out... somehow... I trust that.

Other websites I found and LOVE LOVE LOVE!:

Moonfrye! (I linked you to my page ;) It was started by Soliel Moon Fry (Punky Brewster!) she's this totally "involved in helping the world mother" and I love her and her website! It's still getting going but the more we spread the word the more people will come and the more awesome it will be! Can ya tell I love it...

Although I needed another website to check like I needed another hole in the head... oh well...

On the front page of Moonfrye are links to amazing organizations whose aim is to help save the world... in so many ways! I also found a few more:

Wish Upon a Wedding is a charity that helps provide people with terminal illnesses a wedding...I applied to be a wedding photographer for the Seattle and Portland chapters. I really hope I get accepted! What a fabulous way to share your talents!

Which brings me to another mission! I want to go to women's shelters and pregnancy crisis centers and help them all feel better about themselves by providing them with a "model for a day" photoshoot. I need to get a hair and make up girl and someone who can help with the clothes, but that's what I want to do.. we'll see how it goes...

Ok well it's 237am it's time for bed... again. I fell asleep putting my monsters to bed and woke up an hour or so ago from a crazy nightmare and was WIDE awake! Now I'm resisting the urge to break into the spaghetti I made for dinner... I didn't eat much of it and I'm soo hungry, but eating at 240am probably isn't the best of ideas and I already snuck a banana... ya.

love to all!

My 4yo is sooo effing CUTE!

2010-03-18T15:14:00.001-07:00

My 4yo in all seriousness: "I'm a rockstar! I learned to swing all by myself so don't even try me!"
LOL!

Havin fun at point defiance zoo in Tacoma :)

2010-03-14T14:10:00.001-07:00

Uploaded by http://www.cellspin.net/

Mr. McPouty. He's so cute when he pouts!

2010-03-13T18:04:00.001-08:00

Uploaded by http://www.cellspin.net/

First real temptation since I became a vegetarian 4 months ago. I won'tfail tho

2010-03-13T17:30:00.001-08:00

My kids and our friends are not vegetarians... this was their lunch. I ate the kids crust and took one piece and took off the meat and cheese... just had pineapple and bread lol! (cheese is too fatty for my tummy to handle at the moment.. sigh)

Uploaded by http://www.cellspin.net/

Me: Down 16lbs and a whole dress size... I have tons more confidence and determination

2010-03-12T21:36:00.000-08:00

My 7yo took this pic of me today. I was leaning up against a play structure thingy. I liked it. I have a long way to go still but I'm well on my way!

dreaming...

2010-03-12T01:45:00.001-08:00

of the touch of his fingers. his magic fingers. moving along my jaw, my neck. knotting in my hair.
of the feel of his arms. his safe, strong arms. pulling me tightly to him.
of the whisper of breath. his warm, intoxicating breath. i breathe him in.
of the brush of his lips. his soft, determined lips. parting mine, melting my soul.

of the touch of his fingers. those magic fingers. tracing down my bare spine.
of the feel of his arms. those safe, strong arms. cinching tighter around me.
of the rush of breath. that hot, intoxicating breath. i can’t get enough.
of the pressure of his lips. those eager, determined lips. on every inch of me, driving me wild.

of the touch of his fingers. those magic fingers. gripping me hard.
of the feel of his arms. those safe, strong arms. crushing me to him.
of the ragged breath. that blazingly intoxicating breath. i need more.
of the force of his lips. his fiercely determined lips. knowing just how to keep me coming back for more.

My turn…

boy oh boy

2010-03-09T22:17:00.000-08:00

I've been busy!

I got B in my inDesign class and a big fat stupid F in Flash.. hey... F for Flash! It works lol!

Had to deal with my minivan! That damn car it taking all my money! First a new battery then a detail to get out the effing MOLD! Really? Leave it sitting for a measly month and we get MOLD? WTH? Argh!

Then my 7yo dropped my iPhone on the kitchen floor and messed up the screen. Went to get it fixed and since it's out of warranty it would have costed me $199 to get it fixed!!! WTF??? So I bought a new phone for the sam $$$. It's the 3GS 16GB so at least it's an upgrade. I had the other phone for only 13months... $199 phone for only 13months. That sucks! Oh well..

I have no school till the 17th I CANNOT TELL YOU HOW HAPPY THAT MAKES ME! Gonna get my pictures hung and my photography site up and running and a few other tasks.

I have till the 28th so 19 days left of my Facebook Fast. I'm reallllllyyyyyyyyy missing my friends on there.... I'm not sure I'll last...

Ok well this is boring enough so I'll go now. Have fun!

#merightnow my 7yo took this pic. I was still half asleep ;)

2010-03-05T08:16:00.001-08:00

Uploaded by www.cellspin.net

My kids are so smart!

2010-03-03T18:35:00.001-08:00

My 4yo just counted to 53 on his own!!! 2 weeks ago he was still leaving out 15 lol! He's so smart!!!

a day at the gym

2010-03-02T18:07:00.000-08:00

I did a fitness assessment test today. I have room for improvement lol!!! duh!

Well I scored "excellent" in blood pressure (both kinds) and resting heart rate and bicep strength! Woohoo!
I need to improve aerobic fitness and flexibility and obviously lose like 13% body fat! By this time next year if I try hard enough I'll be maintaining my healthy body! ;)

After that was over I worked out in the group personal training session. She's brutal but it felt good! Then later on I went back and did Latin Dance class. She works ya HARD! You sweat buckets and it's sooo fun!

Yesterday I got all bruised up from doing spin class! My ass is literally bruised from sitting on that damned bike! However you sweat buckets in that class too I had fun and can't wait to do it again!

I have one month till hubby comes home for R&R from Afghanistan!
I'm in mission mode! GO ME!

Spaceship Lyrics by POM

2010-02-25T10:08:00.001-08:00

Dedicated to my hubby... for secret reasons lol ;)

Yeah .. alright

Now, now now

A long time ago in a galaxy far awasted

I'm basted come on yeah

I’m in the flow and I got all the flavors you tasted

With sweat dripping down your little back

Cause all night long, said

All night long, I been thinking

About how to get your clothes on the floor

All night long, said

All night long, I been drinking

About how to get your panties on the floor

So let’s get it over and just get naked

With sweat dripping down your little back

I’m a Holy roller and I own the spaceship

So let me take you for a little ride

Ride, ride-ey-yea-yea-yeah alright

So I’ve been on the go for so long

I can’t stand up, straight and now tell me

I’m in the flow and I got all the flavors you tasted

With sweat dripping down your little back

Cause all night long, said

All night long, I been thinking

About how to get your clothes on the floor

All night long, said

All night long, I been drinking

About how to get your panties on the floor

So let’s get it over and just get naked

With sweat dripping down your little back

I’m a Holy roller and I own the spaceship

So let me take you for a little ride

Ride, ride

Come on, come on, come on yeah

You know I really want to take you for a little ride

Come on, come on, come on, yeah

You know I really want to take you for a little ride

You know I really want to take you for a little ride

You know I really want to take you for a little

So let’s get it over and just get naked ooh

So let’s get it over and just get naked

I wanna give you everything I got

I’m a holy roller and I own the spaceship

So let me take you for a little ride

Let’s get it over and just get naked

With sweat dripping down your little back

I’m a holy roller and I own the spaceship

So let me take you for a little ride

moderation... bah!

2010-02-25T08:20:00.001-08:00

Only got a tall at starbucks... Sigh... Moderation sucks... A tall.. What a tease..

My future football tv star...

2010-02-23T15:19:00.001-08:00

My 4yo wants to play football so he can be on TV so that his daddy can see him all the time! So cute!

Facebook Withdrawl

2010-02-23T10:18:00.000-08:00

the first few days were the hardest. not checking it a zillion times a day. i actually didn't even realize how many times a day i checked it:
at stoplights (iphone)
waiting in line at the grocery store (oh right i need to go shopping... hmmm)
inbetween loads of laundry
inbetween sentences i was typing for class.

SERIOUSLY WOMAN GET A GRIP!

OCD MUCH?!?!?

howver the last day or so the compulsion to check it has diminished a lot but the thought of going back on my "40 day support for friends who do Lent" thing i know i'll just revert. i need to last at least 2 weeks before i 'pop my head in' and say hi. they say it takes 2 weeks to break or make a habbit. i told myself that if i can stay away till this term ends on march 12th i can send a text into facebook saying hi and letting my friends know i passed with a's or whatever (ya right for flash class i'll be lucky to pass at all there ugh) but that's it. no looking at the updates no answering people no nothing, just an update and that's it.

we'll see... that still kind of feels like failure somehow....

i've upped my time on twitter a tad, but not that much. it's still a stupid idea that i try to get into but blah...

i've reduced a bit of time on redbubble but that is proving hard to stay away from because i didn't put a black and white rule on it like i did facebook. i'm no good with grey areas. i need concrete set in stone 'this is it' rules or i break them. i was made for military life lol! oh well...

i'm getting homework done earlier! go me!

i'm down a total of aobut 15lbs since Dec 1st. i've fluctuated this week, but that's due to PMS and my ravenous viliolent cravings i get. my testy tummy is helping me stay in check tho... a bit.... my will power to say no to things i know will hurt my tummy is down.... all i want is bread, chocolate, lattes and a huge place of fried chicken... and i'm a vegetarian lol! PMS.. gotta love her! don't worry chickens, i will not cave to this craving... starbucks however... they'll love alll the extra money i'll throw at them this week. your welcome.

2010-02-22T17:22:00.001-08:00

First starbucks in DAYS! It's so yummm! I feel whole again lol...sigh...

First pink tree i've seen this season! I love these!!!

2010-02-20T13:58:00.001-08:00

Uploaded by www.cellspin.net

My first Flash project done ;)

2010-02-19T12:17:00.000-08:00

I created my first Flash project... I got it off of a tutorial online here:

http://www.flashperfection.com/tutorials/Realistic-frame-by-frame-bird-fly-animation-46577.html

my animation i hope this works.... hmmmm click the black writing

hmmmm it's not working.. I'll fix it when I come home from my gall bladder scan... fun stuff there... not

My heart... Cold and sinking right now :(

2010-02-19T08:54:00.001-08:00

Uploaded by http://www.cellspin.net/

Shot with my iPhone this morning on our walk to drop my oldest off at school. My kids ruined and or lost 2 very special items to me yesterday and I'm extremely upset about it. Stuff I can't get back or fix. It's just stuff but still... I'm very sad.

I'm so sad and mad right now ;(

2010-02-18T22:41:00.000-08:00

I had typed this in an email to a friend and decided to copy and paste it so I didn't have to retype it.......

Ugh! I'm super sad and mad and upset right now cause my horrible kids got into my jewelry box... the one with stuff I've kept since I was like.. oh 9 or so... I had a tiny mylar balloon STILL INFLATED since my 11th birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that damn balloon was 21 years old and still filled with effing air!!! GONE! NO WHERE TO BE FOUND! I doubt I even have a pic of it honestly... I know it's just a balloon, but it meant something to me you know... AND if that wasn't bad enough they took and moved.... to who knows where... a 50 cent piece my grandpa sent me that I wore in my slipper in my wedding because he couldn't make the trip up. My DEAD grandpa! I've been a teary snotty mess for a while now... My kids have never seen me so mad and upset in their life. Even oly who laughs right before and a few min after a spankin was in tears cause he didn't want me mad at him. I feel bad now but at the time I just said: mommy isn't speaking to either of you. DO NOT say another word to me tonight! and I didn't, both kids fell asleep with their mommy in tears and not speaking to them. Part of me is like: it's just stuff and my kids are my kids but they KNOW to NEVER touch that jewelry box or to even go in my room! where the hell was I when this happened? I probably thought they were in their room right next door to mine and didn't think anything of it.

ugh!!!!!!!

16 LBS LOST SINCE DEC 1ST 2009!!!!!!!

2010-02-18T18:12:00.000-08:00

So in 2.5 months I've lost 16lbs!!!! I ROCK!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL!

I'M SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HAPPY DANCE!!!

2010-02-18T09:42:00.001-08:00

Watch out world! I can update everything with this new app! I'm in heaven! lol!

2010-02-18T09:38:00.001-08:00

Testing my new iPhone app....

My kid is silly

2010-02-17T20:19:00.000-08:00

Oly my 4yo...

"It's like air hockey!!!"

Me: What's like air hockey?

Oly: the hawk on the show: hawk sounds like air hockey!

Me: Oh ya!

so funny! ;)
-----------------------

Oly: You know what my dream was yester night?

me: hehe... what Oly?

Oly: That our dog and Gramma's dog howled and called a WEREWOLF!!!

Me: OHHH WOOOOW!!!

Oly: NOOO NOT AWESOME!!!! It's DUMB!!!! Werewolves KILL PEOPLE!!!!

Me: oh sorry...

Oly geez mom!

LMAO!!!

Unfeminine Vagina's.... ????

2010-02-03T10:38:00.000-08:00

How is such a thing possible? That's like saying a mans penis isn't masculine looking enough... is there a feminine looking pecker out there I'm unaware of?

This article is hilarious! And by hilarious I mean total proof that there are waaaaay too many REALLY stupid people out there!

Seriously.

and with that:

Happy Birthday!

2010-01-30T23:28:00.000-08:00

I have no idea why I used that title. If you're reading this and it's your birthday well then it was meant for you! You're welcome.

My mom is cleaning my house for me tonight. That woman has some serious OCD. I can't spend so much time on one project. I have to bust it up with breaks on Facebook or Redbubble or picking my nose while peeing and realizing that my bathroom needs cleaned and that I have no clean towels which then reminds me that I need to do more laundry and then I notice that the kids have, yet again, taken apart the entire toilet paper holder thingy (i totally need that one!) and I can't find the toilet paper. So I get up (hoping not to drip pee everywhere) to grab another roll and when I go back to the pot it's THEN I notice that the toilet paper I couldn't find is IN the effing toiliet... and I just peed on it.... and I now get to pick it up OUT of the toilet and throw it in the trash. So I do all of this, wash my hands and by now I've air dried.

Seriously though my mom is totally getting my house clean. She rocks!

2010-01-28T11:41:00.000-08:00

i can’t keep up

i’m falling behind.

you’re going so fast

you need to slow down.

let me stop a moment

catch my breath.

look at the landscape

find MY right path.

I will set my own pace

i’ll arrive when I’M ready.

Let me go now

you have made me angry

You will not survive

you better start praying.

for there will be a day

not long from now.

when i will realize the truth

burried deep inside.

the flickering flame

my soul now holds

will burst into flame

and take over this world.

so get yourself ready

find a place to hide.

Those who do not

will be burned alive.

Right now I will sit

and plan your demise

for the Sun I must wait

to shine on my soul

and ignite the blaze

that will swallow you whole

chocolate. lattes. photography....and even more therapy

2010-01-27T19:25:00.000-08:00

as if the latte i drank wasn't enough

or my Trader Joe's Swiss Dark Chocolate

OR the Trader Joe's Organic Soy ice cream

and doing some photography

I also got to see my "Crazy Girl Dr."

Now THAT is a great day lol!

me

2010-01-27T15:19:00.000-08:00

"unsettled"

it's a rough edit and i didn't put a lot of effort into it but that is exactly the mood i was in so it fits.

My son's bday and some other things

2010-01-26T09:53:00.000-08:00

Yup! He's 7 now! He's so cute!

He's my lil ladies man! Already has a girlfriend!

buys her rings from the gumball machines lol!

HOW EFFING CUTE IS THAT??!?!??!?!?!??!

and such a goofball!!

Awwww!

Oh I'm the new "Ho of The Woman Photographer group" now!

yay me!

somehow the image exploded on me cutting off

"host"

The graphic was fine before, not sure what changed...crazy thing!

Makes for a great laugh tho! lol!

Ok.

Boys and their balls... and poop!

2010-01-22T16:21:00.000-08:00

Boys and their balls! seriously! lets have a COMPLETE meltdown over stupid basketballs in the front yard in front of the ENTIRE neighborhood!!! it's just a damn ball! GET A GRIP! Skyler's not home for 30 minutes and the testosterone in the room somehow quadruples. what is it with men? little or otherwise? ugh! everything is a competition! I wanted girls, damnit! lol! ;)

I just wanna crawl in bed with a book and a latte. we get all ready. go to the park. get all set up....

latte: check. Dog tethered: check. camera out and starting to shoot: check. Oly poops his pants...check!!! Get all packed up and make it home so I can spend 5 minutes scrubbing poop off of a 4yo and then starting a load of laundry full of poopy clothes and towels.

life is grand.

I picked the homepage features on RedBubble today!

2010-01-21T18:43:00.000-08:00

How fun is that?!?!??(click 'fun')

All images were found in The Woman Photographer Group! (click 'woman')

Congrats ladies!

I posted my 8 picks to the homepage forum and not 20 min later they were on the front page!

I'm so excited for my ladies!!!

woot!

shrink appoitment #2 tomorrow

2010-01-20T00:06:00.000-08:00

I still can't believe I'm going to a shrink. I only call her that because I am unable to say the other words. I never thought I would see the day! It's a good thing though.

The question on the table... well not-so-much as a question for me, but for the shrink is
am I truly ADHD or something else all together. Honestly I've read far too much about it to be the least bit doubtful or skeptical at all, however I am not completely closed off to other ideas....although she'll have to do a lot of convincing. I'm talking pie charts and multi-dimensional graphs here.

I think I'm going to do it sans coffee too. Show her the real me not doped up on caffeine (which actually helps tame the crazies a bit... turns out it's a stimulant and it stimulates the part of my brain that is passed out in bed while the other part..s? of my brain are out running at a normal speed... now I know why I'm so addicted to coffee... hehe) so we'll see how THAT goes! Lucky shrink lady... not really.

I also get to see my reg doctor about these STUPID EFFING stomach aches I've been dealing with for a month now. Couldn't take them anymore, so in I go. I'm thinking it's lactose intollerance myself. After my dr said my cholesterol was way too high I decided to do what I've always wanted to do and that is to go vegan (zero cholesterol). NO ANIMAL PRODUCTS WHAT-SO-EVER! No dairy no eggs no meat. Well THAT craziness lasted a week or so. That shit was hard!!!! So I added some dairy and some fish back. Then started my tummy aches. Makes sense to me! We'll see what the dr says tomorrow!

ok its 1206. i need to get my crazy ass in bed!

SLEEP SWEET!

Everyday Heroes.

2010-01-19T12:24:00.000-08:00

Today I want to thank and honor Mr. Matthew Dawkins He is an amazing photographer!

He was recently sent to Haiti to help with his states emergency task force. Here in his journal he details his short but tragic stay there.

My heart goes out to Matt and all of the other volunteers who risk their lives and sacrifice the comforts of home, food and water to help in Haiti's time of great need.

You are all heroes to me!

2010-01-18T00:08:00.000-08:00

I'm a little shocked right now. I'm shocked that I DREW THIS (in Illustrator, but still)! Is it perfect... no. Do I still have a lot to learn, yes. but I love this! I'm super excited that I'm learning something.

I'm in school studying graphic design. this is for an assignment for a single page layout design. assignment one in inDesign class. I drew this in illustrator but it'spart of a flyer i'm making for a fake wedding dress boutique called "The Dress" its for a semi-annual 50% off sale. Totally fictional, but I'm having fun! I'll post the finished project later. =)

2010-01-17T10:15:00.000-08:00

Just started reading this book last night. I'm several chapters in and so far this is my new fave vamp book. Might even trump the Twilight Saga (gasp). I LOVE this book.... so far....

buy on amazon

new ones by me

2010-01-16T23:08:00.000-08:00

probably my fave photograph i've ever shot:

all photos found here

art i will purchase...someday

2010-01-16T23:01:00.001-08:00

Karin Taylor is AMAZING! (click her name)

MIGHT be my fave artist on redbubble. but it's hard to say really. click me

i know what i need to do but so can't make myself DO IT already

2010-01-16T22:49:00.000-08:00

i have 2 weeks worth of assignments due tomorrow night. that's like 8 different projects. have i started AT ALL? hell no!

ugh

i'm a recent vegetarian... going on 2 months. I'm dying for some meat! I just saw a KFC commercial and my mouth literally watered. this will get easier.... right? at least i'm doing well in this area! i recently discovered that i do like boca burgers. and i LOVE gardenburgers: black bean and chipoltle bugers. those are sooo yumm! i think i just need to go eat and all of these cravings will go away.

except it's 1045pm... kinda late to be stuffing my face. although i don't see me giving a rats ass about that tonight. i did 1hr and 20 minutes at the gym this morning. i'm good lol! i'm going tues/thurs and sat to the gym. eventually i'll add mon and wed. we'll see.

naps are evil! i took a 2 hour nap today that literally laid me out for the rest of the night. i'm like a zombie.

my 4yo took the same nap and he is bouncing off the walls. he just turned on "Idestructable" by Godsmack and is totally rockin out! He likes his music loud and obnoxious, just like his mommy! He's so cute!

i love this song:

"Indestructible"

he he

he he

he he

he he

Another mission the powers have called me away

Another time to carry the colors again

My motivation an oath I've sworn to defend

To win the honor of coming back home again

No explanation will matter after we begin

Unlock the dark destroyer that's buried within

My true vocation and now my unfortunate friend

You will discover a war you're unable to win

I'll have you know

That I've become

Indestructible

Determination that is incorruptible

From the other side a terror to behold

Annihilation will be unavoidable

Every broken enemy will know

That their opponent had to be invincible

Take a last look around while you're alive

I'm an indestructible

Master of war

Another reason another cause for me to fight

Another fuse uncovered now for me to light

My dedication to all that I've sworn to protect

I carry out my orders without a regret

My declaration embedded deep under my skin

A permanent reminder of how it began

No hesitation when I am commanded to strike

You need to know that you're in for the fight of your life

You will be shown

How I've become

Indestructible

Determination that is incorruptible

From the other side a terror to behold

Annihilation will be unavoidable

Every broken enemy will know

That their opponent had to be invincible

Take a last look around while your alive

I'm an indestructible

Master of war

I'm

Indestructible

Determination that is incorruptible

From the other side a terror to behold

Annihilation will be unavoidable

Every broken enemy will know

That their opponent had to be invincible

Take a last look around while your alive

I am indestructible

Indestructible

Indestructible

Determination that is incorruptible

From the other side a terror to behold

Annihilation will be unavoidable

Every broken enemy will know

That their opponent had to be invincible

Take a last look around while your alive

I'm an indestructible

Master of war

he he

he he

he he

[Thanks to Brian (brian_ramones@hotmail.com) for these lyrics]

[Thanks to Mark Elmore, Caleb for correcting these lyrics]

[ DISTURBED LYRICS at www.AZLyrics.com ]

seriously

2010-01-15T22:36:00.000-08:00

so lately i keep hearing about the debate on if circumcision is a good thing or a bad thing.

honestly what i've been seeing is super finatical moms who are calling circumcision "genital mutilation" and calling all parents who allow this "tragedy" to occur "child abusers." WTF??? am i the only one who thinks these moms, who call them selves "peaceful parents (have they READ their own blog...helllo)," have gotten off the train at Crazy Town??!?!?

i seriously doubt it.

not one man i've ever been with has complained about being circumcised. not-a-one! not one seems to be left with some feeling of loss or abuse or "i've been mutilated." not-a-one!

i mean i understand their thoughts behind it but do they need to be sooooooo rude to those who might have a different opinion? idk. crazy

omg kids

2010-01-15T21:17:00.000-08:00

my kids are making me insane. in good ways and in bad.

a good way you ask?
they can be sooo cute and funny! they crack me up!

the bad way?
they don't listen. they break my shit. they trash my house. THEY DO NOT LISTEN!!!!!!
then they want new toys and new psp games and candy and to go to the movies and this and that and AHHHHH!

tonight a good friend gave me the idea that when they start acting bad i calmly walk into their room. say nothing and start throwing their fave toys in a trash bag and do so till the behavior is corrected. i'm on the fence if these will actually be donated to goodwill or just stashed away as prizes for good behavior to be earned back.

my oldest didn't really respond much.

my youngest about died when i threw away his prized iron man action figure he never ever plays with. lots of screaming.

i just put the bag outside and locked the door.

this happened after they:
fought for the last time
bugged the poor dog for the last time
then got into my mini survival kit in my camera bag and was throwing around a box of matches like a baseball.
after a picture frame got broke
after they WOULD DOT EFFING LISTEN to me YELL at them and take away their stupid psp's.

thank you miss friend for the great idea. so far it's working fine.

now all i have to do is threaten to start throwing away toys and they fall right back in line.
so far.

tomorrow i get to see the shrink... fun shit...

2010-01-05T22:20:00.000-08:00

i'm finally gonna do it, but it's because i'm 99.9999% sure I'm 1000% ADHD and I'm certain I've had it my WHOLE life!

So my friend Am gets on FB a month or so ago and tells us she's going on ritillan (sp?) for adult adhd... i was floored! she sees a naturalpathic dr. she's all hippified... like me... ritialln??? for a childhood thing that i seriously doubted 98% of the kids diagnosed with it had... they needed to eat better food and get their asses outside playing is what they needed not some stupid drug.

anyway... sooooo i decide it was high time I went and researched this rediculous condition when I read Am's post. What did I find you ask? I found a photo of me with my tail between my legs and me eating every uneducated word out of my mouth on the subject... that's what i found.

Everything I read that day was as if the authors were talking about me. my whole life from when I was a child till that very moment!

i did more research. i talked to my friend Am about it. i bought the book: You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy? and started highlighting... then stopped cause the entire book would be highlighted and then what's the point.

so i finally made the apt to get the referall to go see the head shrink... seriously with the billion step process! give me a break!

she looked skeptical but referred me anyway. had to reschedule first apt due to many things, but mainly a tummy ache and long distance drive in bad weather.

here i am the eve of and i'm writing in my "hardly ever wrote in" journal about the main points of why i know i'm adhd.

i want drugs. i'm ready to be a functioning adult and not this crazy, lazy and stupid person.

New Years Eve Blue Moon 2009/10

2010-01-03T23:28:00.000-08:00

Happiness is Hot Air Balloons

2010-01-03T21:58:00.000-08:00

Pictures of hot air balloons makes me happy!

damn i know how to spend some dough

2010-01-03T20:29:00.000-08:00

i just can't believe i can spend so much money in one day on nothing at all.

$40 at target.
$35 at red robin
$55 at the comc book store
$34 at walmart.
_____________
164

I got a cardigan $20. a shirt $5. skyler got a shirt $8. pants for emma $4
dinner $35
tass' comics $55
a basketball $4, 5 things of candy or gum $4ish, a battery for the flashlight $3, 2 toys for the boys $18, .

damn! damn damn damn damn!

ugh.

164 for that teeny weeny bit of crap.

again..just boring shit for myself ... don't bother

2010-01-03T11:40:00.000-08:00

What is on my agenda today?

1. A general pick up of the entire house.

2. Laundry

3. Dumping allllll of my photos onto Tass' computer.

4. Finishing photoshoots. Including mailing them.

5. Relax and get BUSY BUSY on this house tomorrow.

oh and run these kids RAGGED today: park, store, mcdonalds if i have to!!! They neeeeed to sleeeeeep tonight!!! ugh.

day 2 of my journal. slept like a rock last night. don't remember much of dreaming. woke up took a long shower. anxiety is getting to me but i don't understand why. i wish i could calm down.

ok that's it for now. will update this as my day progresses.

thoughts to myself.... it's really boring.... don't bother.

2010-01-03T00:38:00.000-08:00

Today: 3 Jan '10 at 1238 in the morning. the start of my blog/journal. I will be printing these pages out to add to my big book.

Today I did NOTHING but sit on my ass on my computer and goof off. Felt heavenly.

I have so much I want to say. I might be up for hours or I might just say fuck it and not write any of it we shall see.

Got the kids 2 new video games for their new PSP's and they are sitting beside me playing and having fun. Very cute! They even cleaned up the livingroom and kitchen floors to get it. That was nice.

I did some stuff today____________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
(to be added in writing when printed out)

My house is a mess and I need to clean it.

I will most likely be going on ADHD meds in the next couple weeks. looking forward to therapy. that is one sentence I NEVER thought I would utter.... shutter.

I have 2 photoshoots to finish... I'm losing my mind with my computer issues.

Oly and Skyler do really funny, cute things all of the time! I so need to write them down more. Lets hope I stick with this.

I really wish my tummy would stop hurting... It's driving me crazy... well.. not hurting. I keep getting really bad nausea! not pain, just a real sick feeling.

If I died tomorrow and people went through my computer... what would they find? Would they be proud? I'm not into porn or anything like that, but still... I need to prioritize things.

I'm writing a story about a girl who meets a vampire hunter... i just realized i made him the strong one and her the mere mortal normal human... but maybe that is what makes her so strong.... idk.

i think it's time to go to bed!!!